In 2016, I quit my corporate job in Human Resources because my life was a total wreck. I was working a self-imposed 60 hours a week, my marriage was barely surviving and my children knew me as the last mom to pick them up from daycare.
One hot August afternoon, I turned in my laptop, badge and one of the last identities holding my fragile ego together: successful corporate career-woman.
After years of therapy, self-development and “doing the work,”
I discovered part of my breakdown was rooted in this: my inability to say no to anything.
This is a 3 part blog series on a topic that was critical to my healing:
Saying “yes” when you mean “no”: Establishing boundaries so you can love better
I’ve spent several years trying to unravel why I couldn’t say “no” most my life.
Giving till I was utterly depleted was a way of life for me.
Smiling at every stranger I passed felt kind and giving. It was helpful playing therapist to a lot of broken of people. I thrived on giving people second, third, fourth and even fifth chances.
People asked me to volunteer for everything and I always said yes: carnival baskets, volunteering at church, predominately one-sided carpools, board memberships and the last-minute projects at work. I felt obligated to talk to strangers on planes when I wanted to read in peace. I thought it was rude not to talk to my massage therapist. I used to believe toxic people would find me (hint: of course they did-I allowed them to). I always defended the people at work who others deemed “impossible.” I wanted to see the best in every person: even the ones with a personality disorder.
They deserved love too, right?
I frequently worried I was wired for love incorrectly.
Self-discovery taught me, my need to give until I was depleted sat inside a false story:
Love is becoming less so others can become more. Selflessness was the ultimate goal of my existence. I gave until I disappeared.
If you struggle with saying “no”, I want you to know you don’t exist to be everybody’s happiness pump. This is a false story.
Here are some signs I noticed in myself.
These signs were the alarm bells warning me: you can’t keep living a boundary-less existence.
I hope this perspective helps you or someone you care about.
Warning Sign #1:
You get angry, frustrated or annoyed when other people have boundaries.
When other people have boundaries you find yourself frustrated or annoyed. You may say things like, “It must be nice to protect your Sundays all the time. If only we all had that luxury.”
You take pride in being self-less, giving and everyone’s “go to” person.
People who have boundaries are a subtle reminder you can say “no” too.
I think at an even deeper level, people with boundaries are a reminder you do have a choice.
Boundaried people represented a huge conflict of interest to my values. I had to write them off as calloused and rude.
I was an overachiever perfectionist, and I tethered myself to this belief:
Anticipate what people need before they need it. Be the “go to” person. Volunteer for all the jobs no one wants. Do everything with a focus on excellence. Be self-less and giving. You will find fulfillment by helping others.
Warning Sign #2:
You find yourself being the hero and martyr in most situations.
You are the “go to” person for most people in your life.
This is how it played out for me personally:
At Work it played out liked this: If an executive had a last- minute request that kept me up until midnight; sign me up! If you needed me to figure out how to build a website-I’d take classes online, learn HTML and build you that website. If someone needed an executive summary on several HBR articles on a topic I knew nothing about by tomorrow; no problem!
In my volunteer life: Nobody wants to be the Chair for Muffins with Mom this year? I’ll do it! I can be the Girl Scout Troop Leader too. Volunteer on another board? I can certainly make time for that! Of course I’ll bake 5 dozen donuts for your event and I will insist on not charging you.
With Friends: I’d love to host all the parties and ask people to bring absolutely nothing! I’ll buy Christmas gifts for everyone I can possibly think of. I’ll send out cards for every single holiday (I mean, President’s Day is pretty important). I’ll show up to every party you invite me too (even if I had 2 other invites that day) because that’s what good friends do!
With Family: You want us to drive 8 hours to Thanksgiving while I’m 7 months pregnant and have to pee every hour; no problem! You just decided to visit Kansas City today and want to stay with us? How could I say no? I’ll just cancel all my weekend plans and then run home and frantically clean. I just had a baby and you want to stay at our house when you come to visit while I’m struggling massively with post-partum depression; sounds great!
Warning Sign #3:
You receive a lot of praise and need it to feel good about yourself.
You might hear phrases like this about yourself:
“Ask___ to do it-she’ll get it done faster than anyone else.”
“____is so amazing! He is one of the most self-less people I’ve ever met.”
“I don’t know how he does it all! We’re just so lucky to have him on the team.”
These accolades are probably the fuel that keeping you moving at 100 miles per hour.
On the flips side, if someone doesn’t thank you for your obvious Herculean efforts, you might feel hurt.
Praise is your fuel.
When people aren’t grateful, it is a huge trigger. You tell yourself asking for a “thank you” is the least someone could do for you.
Spoiler Alert: When you are giving from a place of overflow, you do something because you genuinely want to. If someone doesn’t “thank you”, it will not matter. You gave because you wanted to.
Warning Sign #4:
You wonder why no one gives as much as you do.
Most likely, you’ve repeated these words out loud, “I just wish people would give me 50% of what I give them.”
Because your needs are constantly on the back burner, you wish people would care for you the way you care for them.
You are convinced if people were as self-less as you, they’d throw you a life-saver every now and then.
You might find yourself wishing people didn’t ask so much of you. Furthermore, you have repeated this words: I would NEVER ask someone to do that for me!
When you don’t have boundaries, you typically feel like you give more than anyone.
Reality check: you do.
You give more than anyone else gives. Unfortunately, your level of giving is rarely matched.
This is a hard truth: it shouldn’t be.
People aren’t meant to give until they’re depleted and that’s what we do. Asking others to give like you is extremely unhealthy.
You may have recognized yourself in some of these statements. If you spot yourself in these warning signs, I want you to be kind to yourself. The first step is always recognizing you want more.
Let this sink in then we’ll jump into part two.
Your former boundary-less friend,